Brian’sPoems

My Testament

I did the best I could.
I remained present.
I was faithful.
I did the work of describing my feelings.
I altered my expectations.
I kept my good intentions of causing no harm.
And most importantly,
I never stopped loving her.

I recognized
how overwhelmed she was,
not privy to my thoughts and intentions
even as I offered them.

I guess it appeared to her as if
I was being destroyed from the inside out,
spirit devouring the flesh.
For me it was a torturous baptism into awakening,
an excruciating initiation into staggering transformation.

The demons that practice madness
are mostly gone now,
I remain, more or less the same in form,
entirely different in spirit.

Loss redeemed me.
When I turn back in anger
I see a marriage smoldering in ruin.
The smoke made more pungent
by her infidelity and greed.
I turn away and back again in forgiveness.
I see a good and honest man
altered by life and by God’s love.

It will never be right.
This deeper understanding brings me
into union with all life.
Now heading in the direction of the light,
I am given the grace to let go.