Brian’sPoems

Waiting

Not even a simple "Fuck you!" But maybe you don't know yet. The waiting is killing me. All this bullshit about John Glenn, and I'm dying 'cause I might see you on the news. And the pain of not being at your side - you excited by the launch, the legacy, and the romance. Me, seduced by your mortality - a lust so primal. It is a gray day here. Nothing can fill my life like you, so I wander aimlessly through my apartment finding small projects. Finally I've had enough, and before I rue the day I was born, I set sail for the library. I crave the peopled solace and the solitude of my study. Why do I feel so anxious? I want to swallow it whole - the world, her, everything! Leonard Bernstein could not simply be a gay man. I cannot only be a writer, technician, teacher, handyman, lover... Take one away and I am gone. I am the gift life gives itself, the appreciation of so much diversity, the adroit realization of human frailty, and the conscious desire to become better. But oh the burden this places on my carbon shoulders. I want to be the man on television with the bourbon in one hand and the cigarette in the other, with the "fuck 'em all" cowboy mentality that sells millions of books, tickets, videos, whatever. And so this has become my everyday and my every night. I can't remember a time when I didn't try to devour the entire universe. Will I find salvation in her reply? Oh most divine creature please let me die.

I need a little hollow place inside my sanity where I can splash.